It has been more than a while since my last post and truth be told - it scares me a little to continue typing. As I slowly read through the various entries of my past, I feel more disconnected from myself than ever before. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I feel disconnected because I have evolved from who I used to be. Or maybe I just simply don't relate because I'm not who I used to be. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though. I stopped writing a year and a half ago because there was a certain void lost between my words and my soul. I want to feel alive each time I type a word from this keyboard. To me - writing used to be an outlet, a safe place of expression and creativity. I want that back, I need that back. For years now writing has been my number one go to and it seems that lately it has been the last thing on my mind.

It's not what you possess or what happens to you in life that matters, but rather what you do with it.

Life is but a dream for the dead

My whole life I have felt like I have never fit in. Time has passed, life has moved and I am left feeling the same. When I was younger I remember feeling full of so much life, I never knew that the beaming light inside me would turn into the sun that would light my sky each day. Along with that sun came clouds and by the time I hit my mid-teens life didn’t agree with me, or maybe it was the other way round. I felt more alone than ever before and things continued that way for a few years until I lost a dear friend of mine. His death showed me how fleeting life was and forced me to find a new horizon. I simply couldn’t comprehend the pain I felt at that stage and at that moment I knew I had found something to hold onto. Hope. I felt hope fly through me and not long after that there wasn’t a cloud in sight.

The next few years were a kind of rebirth so to speak. I emerged and began to pave my path forever searching for something more, forever longing to feel love and to be loved. I wasn’t lacking any love, I simply had so much love inside me and I had no idea how to use it. People came but they always went, I thank them for what they taught me. They never chose to stay and for some reason I blamed myself. I couldn’t understand they kept leaving.

Life was great, I lived, I partied, met people…like I said life was great. I felt alone, I never felt like I fit in, something was missing. I didn’t want great from life. I wanted extraordinary. I wanted heart stopping moments of inspiration tangled between love and determination. I was missing the one thing that features in all amazing tales, passion. It was when I wasn’t expecting it that I met someone. I had no idea this someone would change my life for the better or inspire me to finally stand up for myself and start living the life I’ve always wanted to.

For some reason I was living in fear and that fear became non-existent. For the first time I felt like I had truly stumbled across something miraculous. I feel like people come into our lives to shake us up and point us in the right direction. If you fail to read life’s signs you’ll be stuck in the same rut without ever moving from where you stand. I definitely needed a new direction that’s for sure. Since then I have made it my mission to figure out what life has to offer me and what I have to give to the world. I want to know more. I want to give so much love out there into the world because I know I was put on this earth to make a difference in many ways.

The power of positivity is around me each day and it works wonders. Rhonda Byrnes has taught me how to attract my heart’s desires and to bring them into my life with a single thought. The law of attraction has brought me so many amazing moments. Eckhart Tolle has taught me to disconnect myself from my mind, my ego...something I am still trying to master. Although I still feel like I don’t fit in with this world and I feel like I am shunned because I feel so different, it doesn’t bother me. I feel empowered. I remember once upon a time I told an amazing person that ‘you aren’t here to make friends; you’re here to make a difference’. People will always find a reason to judge you and as long as you feel you are doing the right thing by yourself, by staying true to who you are then nothing else should matter. I would give my life to stick up for something I truly believe in. I am so passionate about anything and EVERYTHING. I don’t care if that makes me weird or too excitable. Of course I’m excited, I’m fucking alive!!

I am grateful for each moment I have on this earth and feel that life is so precious. Just like my friend who went on to the next world, life is forever fleeting but also forever beautiful.

We choose what we want to focus our energy on and what we want to fill our lives up with, that’s the bottom line. If you focus on shit and feel awful each day that's what you'll get in return but if you feel amazing and focus on love each day - that's something else.

"You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness"

One of the most important things in a relationship of any kind is support. Last year taught me that people can choose to take the high road and support others or they can be selfish and disagree with the things that the other person does in their live.

For me it's this simple. No support, get out of my life.

When something happens to me in my life or a situation arises, I really take the time to internalize its significance and ponder its meaning. Good or bad, I believe these experiences are the key to my growth as a person and in order for this growth to take part in the equation, I have to be aware . Being aware means instead of wallowing in the negative feelings I may be feeling when something is not going my way, I try to step back and ask what is the meaning of all this? There must be some underlying significance. Obviously it is easy to lose track of this mentality and get caught up in the hype of it all. After enduring a difficult week I now see what the point of it all was. The suffering we feel won't necessarily carry an overt meaning, however its importance lies in how we turn the situation around and reflect back on our mishaps and difficulties. In order to grow we must reflect and never stray too far away from ourselves.

Reminds me of the love I share

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."