My mum said something to me the other night that really made me think. Something that was a bit like this 'you can't go back to where you once were in the past because you'd be moving backward when you have already moved forward'.
At the time I don't think anything in the world could have made me see things clearly so that statement didn't help me. When you're in a certain state or feeling a certain way entirely then it's up to you to change that but now that I have myself back I can completely appreciate the relevance and truth of her words.
It now makes so much sense that even if you were put in a situation in life where you'd be dealt the same cards from your past, you wouldn't necessarily be EXACTLY the person you were back then because so much has changed since then. I was afraid of being the person that I once was but now I see that is impossible.
Things can never be exactly as they once were because that moment has passed, it's done and it's finished with forever.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. Please remember that your difficulties do not define you. They simply strengthen your ability to overcome.”

Wake up, you're sleeping
Wake up, you're sleeping behind the wheel
Wake up, you're sleeping
Wake up, you're sleeping behind the wheel
Wake up, you're sleeping
Wake up, you're sleeping behind the wheel

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

"This too shall pass"

I can't get enough of this band

We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything at all

Sometimes you're just unhappy and you can't change it. Sometimes you need to be unhappy to get it out of your system. Sometimes you need to focus on your unhappiness so that it consumes you like nothing ever before so that you can grow beyond it.

It was made clear to me just before that one moment can change everything. One moment can end everything. What moments do you want flashing right before your eyes? I realized before that I want to feel weightless again. I don't know where I've been for the past few weeks but it hasn't been here.

I've been listening to all these songs that I used to love years ago today. I was onto something back then, these songs are passionate, well expressed and simply beautiful. One that stood out is mountain by good charlotte.

One of many great truths

Light up this room - Mumm-Ra

Jack's Mannequin

"Caves"

I'm caught
Somewhere in between
Alive
And living a dream.
No peace
Just clicking machines
In the quiet of compazine.
The walls caved in on me.

And she sings
My bird dressed in white.
And she stings
My arm in the night.
I lay still
Still I'm ready to fight.
Have my lungs
But you can't take my sight.
The walls caved in
Tonight.

And out here
I watch the sun circle the earth
The marrows collide in rebirth
In God's glory praise
The spirit calls out from the caves.
The walls fell and there I lay
Saved.

The walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
The doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me

Beat my body like a rag doll
you stuck the needles in my hip
Said 'we're not gonna lie
Son, you just might die
Get you on that morphine drip, drip'

The walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
The doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me

I fought a war to walk a gang plank
Into a life I left behind
Windows leading to the past
Think it's time I broke some glass
Get this history off my mind

And what if we were married forever?
Like the past never happened
And time did not exist for us at all
I still think we'd still be traveling together
Through all kinds of weather
Everything's a piece of everyone

As far as I can see
Walls are caving in
Doors got locked for sure
But I see these doors have keys

Walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
Doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me
There's no one here but me
No one here but me, yeah.
There's no one here but me
No one here but me

What the hell is everyone's problem lately?

The heart is a lonely hunter.

I need something

If it all ends, at least I'll die smiling.

Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns.

Sydney

10 things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:

1. You are very talented, I had no idea

2. I'm really really sorry for our argument but it was your own fault

3. I wish he would love you the way you deserve, the way you love him

4. I like being your friend after all that's happened

5. If I ever find out that you've been lying to me I won't be so nice next time

6. You make me the happiest girl

7. You are both beautiful beyond words

8. I feel so bad that I still haven't seen your house

9. No need to be so shy, I hope it doesn't last

10. I love you Dad


9 things people probably don’t know about me:

1. I speak really fast and a lot when I'm nervous

2. If you treat me badly I remember, if you treat me nicely I remember that too

3. I love berries

4. I'd rather go to the beach in the winter

5. One day I'm hoping to write a book

6. I once got 5% on a maths test

7. Sometimes I can just sit in silence for hours

8. I believe socks are one of the best things ever invented

9. I remember every single place that I've ever come across a spider in my house


7 awesome songs:

1. Bloodshot - Jack’s Mannequin

2. Hey now - Augustana

3. Bowl of oranges - Bright Eyes

4. Us - Regina Spektor

5. We all turn back to dust - From First to Last

6. Degausser - Brand New

7. She's got you high - Mumm-Ra


6 things you do before you go to bed:

1. Brush teeth

2. Drink water

3. Listen to music

4. Read

5. Watch tv

6. Think


4 things you don’t like:

1. Animal behaviours I'd rather not see

2. Boring movies

3. Water restrictions

4. Liars


3 things you do like:

1. Being inspired

2. Remembering my dreams

3. Frisbees


2 things you want to do before you die:

1. Sky dive

2. Make a difference in someone's life


1 confession:

1. I'm the number one ruiner of my own happiness

If you don't respect yourself then who else do you expect will?

It's so stupid how you could be going through your day feeling content or even satisfied with things then one thing happens to disrupt or break your mood and then your day isn't the same anymore. It's ridiculous how this one thing can just ruin your day and set off a sequence of events that follow which then continue to further make a negative impact on your day because of your initial mood breaker. It happened to me today and right now I don't feel like myself and I hate myself for being so weak especially when I know why I feel like this.

Sometimes optimism escapes me.

I'll never fall asleep, 'til
Dark divorces the sky
When I lie still
My thoughts crawl
Back to your side
I'll share your ghost tonight

This is what I think of you Elza, although you are more than fine in my eyes.

If you tell me to jump, then I'll die
In my dreams, I'm there
I always hoped that I'd learn how to fly
In my dreams, I'm there

Goodbye holidays

Tomorrow marks the start of a new semester which equals new everything for me :)

I fucking love my best friends and nothing in this world will ever change that.

You don't know how lovely you are.

I think I've worked out why things are always so different at night, why we are given
the feeling that everything is so fleeting. It's almost like you have some kind of time
limit; a ticking clock at the back of your head reminding you that although the night is still young, it's also going to die soon. Maybe with that thought you subconsciously carry yourself throughout the night as if you'll never live for another night again.
It's beautiful. At night things feel so different to me, as every minute passes I think about how my time is running out and everything needs to be done right at that very moment.

I was too young to appreciate you

But I do miss you.

July 11

I write on this paper like these words have somehow saved me
Like they could have some kind of impact on others
I don't know just how far I am from the truth
But my naievity is relentless
My words are a blanket to my persona
Shielding me from the monster hiding under my bed
The monster that once existed in my head
Standing between me and my will to break free
Trying to corrupt my heart
But now it is no longer
I'm not kissing the lips of hopelessness
I can't feel this creature breathing down my neck anymore
It ceases to exist but I'm afraid he will rise one day
So instead of waiting for his return
I hold onto my words like they are the cord to life
And then I throw them into the world
I'll cut the line between you and your thoughts
My bible of redemption is no longer mine
It's yours
And I'm not vulnerable
I'm something more
I'm everything that you could ever doubt
Everything that you could ever feel
Maybe even what you're afraid to feel
I'm the lightening ruining your sunny day
A rainbow peaking through the storm
I'm a fleeting moment of clarity
A perfect answer to resistence
Something a little further from destruction
I am whatever you think me to be
I am the end of my world
But I am also the start

I'm always surrounded by my empty glasses of tea. They stare back at me each night, mocking my sheer laziness and apathy.