It has been more than a while since my last post and truth be told - it scares me a little to continue typing. As I slowly read through the various entries of my past, I feel more disconnected from myself than ever before. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I feel disconnected because I have evolved from who I used to be. Or maybe I just simply don't relate because I'm not who I used to be. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though. I stopped writing a year and a half ago because there was a certain void lost between my words and my soul. I want to feel alive each time I type a word from this keyboard. To me - writing used to be an outlet, a safe place of expression and creativity. I want that back, I need that back. For years now writing has been my number one go to and it seems that lately it has been the last thing on my mind.

It's not what you possess or what happens to you in life that matters, but rather what you do with it.

Life is but a dream for the dead

My whole life I have felt like I have never fit in. Time has passed, life has moved and I am left feeling the same. When I was younger I remember feeling full of so much life, I never knew that the beaming light inside me would turn into the sun that would light my sky each day. Along with that sun came clouds and by the time I hit my mid-teens life didn’t agree with me, or maybe it was the other way round. I felt more alone than ever before and things continued that way for a few years until I lost a dear friend of mine. His death showed me how fleeting life was and forced me to find a new horizon. I simply couldn’t comprehend the pain I felt at that stage and at that moment I knew I had found something to hold onto. Hope. I felt hope fly through me and not long after that there wasn’t a cloud in sight.

The next few years were a kind of rebirth so to speak. I emerged and began to pave my path forever searching for something more, forever longing to feel love and to be loved. I wasn’t lacking any love, I simply had so much love inside me and I had no idea how to use it. People came but they always went, I thank them for what they taught me. They never chose to stay and for some reason I blamed myself. I couldn’t understand they kept leaving.

Life was great, I lived, I partied, met people…like I said life was great. I felt alone, I never felt like I fit in, something was missing. I didn’t want great from life. I wanted extraordinary. I wanted heart stopping moments of inspiration tangled between love and determination. I was missing the one thing that features in all amazing tales, passion. It was when I wasn’t expecting it that I met someone. I had no idea this someone would change my life for the better or inspire me to finally stand up for myself and start living the life I’ve always wanted to.

For some reason I was living in fear and that fear became non-existent. For the first time I felt like I had truly stumbled across something miraculous. I feel like people come into our lives to shake us up and point us in the right direction. If you fail to read life’s signs you’ll be stuck in the same rut without ever moving from where you stand. I definitely needed a new direction that’s for sure. Since then I have made it my mission to figure out what life has to offer me and what I have to give to the world. I want to know more. I want to give so much love out there into the world because I know I was put on this earth to make a difference in many ways.

The power of positivity is around me each day and it works wonders. Rhonda Byrnes has taught me how to attract my heart’s desires and to bring them into my life with a single thought. The law of attraction has brought me so many amazing moments. Eckhart Tolle has taught me to disconnect myself from my mind, my ego...something I am still trying to master. Although I still feel like I don’t fit in with this world and I feel like I am shunned because I feel so different, it doesn’t bother me. I feel empowered. I remember once upon a time I told an amazing person that ‘you aren’t here to make friends; you’re here to make a difference’. People will always find a reason to judge you and as long as you feel you are doing the right thing by yourself, by staying true to who you are then nothing else should matter. I would give my life to stick up for something I truly believe in. I am so passionate about anything and EVERYTHING. I don’t care if that makes me weird or too excitable. Of course I’m excited, I’m fucking alive!!

I am grateful for each moment I have on this earth and feel that life is so precious. Just like my friend who went on to the next world, life is forever fleeting but also forever beautiful.

We choose what we want to focus our energy on and what we want to fill our lives up with, that’s the bottom line. If you focus on shit and feel awful each day that's what you'll get in return but if you feel amazing and focus on love each day - that's something else.

"You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness"

One of the most important things in a relationship of any kind is support. Last year taught me that people can choose to take the high road and support others or they can be selfish and disagree with the things that the other person does in their live.

For me it's this simple. No support, get out of my life.

When something happens to me in my life or a situation arises, I really take the time to internalize its significance and ponder its meaning. Good or bad, I believe these experiences are the key to my growth as a person and in order for this growth to take part in the equation, I have to be aware . Being aware means instead of wallowing in the negative feelings I may be feeling when something is not going my way, I try to step back and ask what is the meaning of all this? There must be some underlying significance. Obviously it is easy to lose track of this mentality and get caught up in the hype of it all. After enduring a difficult week I now see what the point of it all was. The suffering we feel won't necessarily carry an overt meaning, however its importance lies in how we turn the situation around and reflect back on our mishaps and difficulties. In order to grow we must reflect and never stray too far away from ourselves.

Reminds me of the love I share

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Could life be any better :) It's bloody amazing!!!!!!!!!

I believe that people can change with all my heart I truly do but at the same time, I believe you can see the outcome of this change in how the person reacts to their own experiences. All I am saying is never believe the "hype" of a person until you see their change with your own eyes and feel their change inside your heart.

I haven't been around here for a while but I am super excited to get back into writing, expressing and trying to promote positive thinking as I have been hit with a ginormous ball of inspiration this morning.

Rhonda Byrne = genius

"Many people don't know about the power of good feelings, and so their feelings are reactions or responses to what happens to them. They have put their feelings on automatic pilot instead of deliberately taking charge of them. When something good happens, they feel good. When something bad happens, they feel bad. They don't realize that their feelings are the cause of what is happening to them. As they react with negative feelings to something that has happened, they give out more negative feelings, and they receive back more negative circumstances. They become trapped in a cycle by their own feelings. Their life goes around and around in circles not getting anywhere, like a hamster on a wheel, because they don't realize that to change their life, they must change their feeling frequency!"

Where to go from here?

I've been wanting to know all year.

Lack of direction is awful.

Just completed a quiz and here is what I got... As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you're a natural entrepreneur. You'll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.

Call me mentally insane after you read what I am about to write but I despise the concept of work and cannot for the life of me understand why it plays such an immense part in our lives. All my life I've searched for answers only to find more questions. I wish I could just wake up each day only to spend it with the people I care most about. I hate that life is simply about waking up each day only to work to make more money to fuel expenses that most of the time we don't need. I wish I could spend every minute of every day seeking beauty and living it over and over again. Why is life just about working so that we can obtain things? I'm not complaining because I am one to appreciate these "things" but I just don't feel satisfied waking up every day with the realization that this is what all of our lives are. Why is everything around me a normality when inside I feel it to be wrong? I just don't get it and everyone I talk to either tells me to just accept what is, or walks away from the conversation. I feel like something is missing when I really delve into the so-called meaning of life and what we were put on this planet to do.

Bullet for my valentine

= perfect comfort on a Friday night.

I'm a writer. I'm a fighter. I'm a creator.

I'm on an important mission

I am going to start believing in fairy tales again because it has been a while.

What kind of world is it we live in where equality is non-existent? Or more importantly, what kind of world is it we live in where the people in charge are empty, selfish and manipulative?

Today at work I got "told off" by a manager merely because he didn't like me voicing my opinion or sticking up for myself or hey you aren't going to believe this, but he didn't like me disagreeing with him. He simply told me "if you can't do what you're supposed to do then we will put you somewhere else". How's that for nearly 6 years of loyal service to a company. I was shocked, I didn't know we lived in a world where a conversation is only single sided. I had no fucking idea that one person's opinion WAS THE ONE AND ONLY RIGHT AND VALID OPINION WORTH STATING. I myself have no first hand managerial experience however, I believe listening and understanding are two valid qualities that are mandatory to this position. I daily look around at the retail store I work in and see corruption and unjust behaviours, wish I could name names but no they'd gladly have me fired in half a heartbeat. Managers walk around draining out the negativity of ANY given scenario, the real and the ones they have created in their ever-so diligent minds of theirs, and they bring these negative situations to the surface. Not once has one of the group of managers I whole heartedly am referring to said "hey great job" or any positive phrase in all the time I have known them. All that comes out of their mouths is garbage and the staff below them act as trash cans.

I don't understand how these people get so high up, actually I do and that is what angers me because I've seen it with my own eyes. One minute they are rudely putting down a 16 year old and ordering them around and oh hey let's turn the corner and there we see the store manager. Wouldn't you love to see how quickly their attitudes change, how fast their façade is built. It's pathetic. Especially when you see it coming from a manager under the age of 25. How can someone be poisoned at such a young age. Every time I witness these change of events attitude wise, I start to think of the quote "A person who is nice to you but not nice to the waiter is not a nice person," or something rather. If you live your life by this quote it's amazing how different people will become in your eyes.

I just feel, how a person treats those below them technically speaking in a work hierarchy really reflects upon who they are as a person and their values. If they do not respect you or treat you as you deserve to be treated then they do not value your existence and that is not right and unjust. It makes me sick to know this goes on everyday, all over the world.