1 day to go until 09 is over forever...

All week I've been having different flashbacks from the year. I miss things. I miss feeling on top of the world, I actually was invincible once upon a time but fairy tales don't seem to last in this reality.

Just got home before

I saw the movie Avatar tonight and it blew me away. There aren't any words in the English language to describe how incredible that movie is.


Anyways, I'm so awake once again and feeling really inspired. The last thing I want to do is sleep. I could stay up until all hours of the night but I know that I can't because I have to be awake for work in 6 and a half hours. I can't stop thinking about this year and everything that's happened and all the people I've met or reconnected with. This year has been the best year because it has taught me so much. It's times like these I wish someone actually cared at this moment about what I was saying because right now I have so much to say and it's all falling on deaf ears but it's okay because I feel amazing and for this moment, no matter how insignificant it may seem to other people, that feeling can't be taken away from me.

Guess what!?

3 days left!!!

Feel good drag

I don't care about what anyone says, there are some things that can control your happiness. If you didn't let them affect you at all then how would you deal with them? How are you even human? Maybe I haven't cared about these things for a while but if something happens that makes me realize how shit these things are I'm not just going to shrug it off. You need to be upset in order to overcome. It makes you stronger. It's a process. It certainly makes me stronger, and even though the process is pretty fucked, the outcome is amazing. Here's to feeling. I'm glad things mean this much to me because if they didn't I would be just like you.

5 days left

It's stressing me out.

Dashboard

Belle Of The Boulevard

Christmas

It's made me want to give and all of a sudden I've felt this sudden rush of affection that has become like a flat balloon. I don't know. There's just so much love to give but I don't know what to do with it. I wish I knew right now.

The sun is out these days

Literally and metaphorically speaking and I adore it :)

Just going through old photos and found this quote

'The heart of a sensitive person suffers too much love'.

Vanilla Sky

I was going through the family DVD collection today and came across this movie and for some reason I just stopped and something made me hold onto it. So I watched it and wow...really bizarre but great movie indeed. It really got me thinking about a lot of different things but mainly just about Tom Cruise's character. Definitely made an impact on me.

10 DAYS

LEFT OF THE YEAR BY THE WAY! The countdown is awnnn!

Green Day

was one week ago :)So so so so good!!
I'm glad me and Mel got to experience this moment twice. Definitely one of the greatest.

Call it a prelude

Did you know that today is one day closer?

Ironic

I just feel like I got slapped in the face and wow I think I have finally cut all ties with these feelings. Even though I feel like shit right now and even though I'll probably feel like shit tomorrow, one day soon I'm going to wake up feeling amazing without the thought of you lingering in my head.

And you know what, I'm fucking cutting off my hair.

Reality check

I want someone to slap me in the face because I'm kind of lost right now...

Throw up your arms into the sky

I'm not content today. I'm not complacent today. I am satisfied and happy :)

Monday

Last Monday set off a precedent as to what Mondays should really be about :) Oh Monday how I've missed you! Glad to have you back.

Unspoken words

I feel like there is so much to say to everyone but for once I'd rather not speak. I like the silence. It's so comforting these days. Maybe if you sat with me for long enough you'd understand what it is that I'm not saying.

Can you feel this?

My Favourite ever

the past is gone.
you can't get it back.
the future is a mystery,
it's unknown
and it may not even exist,
all you know you have for sure
is now.
now is something you can hold
in the palm of your hand.
right now
is all you have.

As if I would fall for that

Again. I'm not a fool.

In 5 minutes

This day will be over forever, all it will ever be to me and every other person in this world that has lived for it, is a memory. I wish tonight could last a little longer just for me.

Emergency - Ace Enders

I can't get over this song. I guess it relates.

On Monday I'd call
If I could even talk
I should have known

By Tuesday my phone
Was ringing off the hook
So I'm comin' home

And sometimes
All you need in life is emergency
To take time and figure out what you're doing here

And it's a shame
To walk away from
From everything you know
From everything I want
And leave you here all alone, alone, alone

On Wednesday I'd leave
If I could get some sleep
I just sit and think

By Thursday I'd hope
It would feel more like home
But Friday falls...

And sometimes
All you need in life is emergency
To take time and figure out what you're doing here.

And it's a shame
To walk away from
From everything I know
From everything I want
And leave you here all alone, alone, alone
All alone
All alone
All alone
All alone

On Sundays I sit
And remember everything
'Cause now they're done

Holy shit

I just realized how much I have changed since this time last month and it scared the shit out of me...

I wrote this yesterday

& drafted it at about 3:45 PM because my internet was not working!

Right now my head is the clearest it has been in months. Finally my chest infection has pretty much cleared up. The only pills I’m on now are for my allergic reaction that I woke up with on Friday, which I still have no idea what the cause was. Two more days of those pills and then I’m finally free from medication. I feel like my personality is finally emerging again. For the past two weeks I’ve been so dull and lifeless. I haven’t even been able to properly feel anything so yeah I’ve pretty much been this numb zombie walking around with my eyes half open. It has sucked because at times I felt like my personality was breaking through the cracks, but it was never completely there. Now I’m starting to get better, not that what I had was life threatening don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining here simply stating what the past two weeks have been like for me. It has just been hard because usually I’m so energized and happy and for the past two weeks I have been the complete opposite. I actually have been driving around in my car and not singing to my tunes. I haven't done that since I got my license. Fucking weird.
Anyways! Back to the clear-headed thing, today I feel so good. I feel like I’m back on track with myself and I feel completely at peace again. I feel like I have learned so much this past month. I no longer look upon the things that I have been going through as negative, but as simply what they truly are; a learning experience. I’m glad I helped someone along the way with my learning and I’m not resentful that my help isn’t needed anymore because obviously I am no longer a part of their learning. It’s okay, and I can smile about it because it taught me a whole lot about people and myself and next time it happens I can deal with things differently and not get myself so caught up ahead of my time. Finally I can say goodbye to what I believed to be true, and hello to what I ACTUALLY believe at this moment and that is that when you are at peace with yourself, nothing can alter or affect that. You are in control of how you perceive your reality. You are in control of sustaining your happiness. I’m so thankful for the little bit of happiness I felt from everything even if that happiness is gone forever. At least I know it existed within me and at least I know that if I ever felt it once, I’m sure I can feel it again.
Man I love the outcome of a simple cold. Once you feel better physically, then mentally you are all healed and vice versa. Next time you get sick ask yourself why you are feeling this way, and ask yourself what could be blocking you mentally from getting better.

Alter the ending

Is all I listen to these days, with new mayday parade and anything from Christofer being the exception.

I'm hoping

that this is where I might be this time next year.

I like this concept

Zoom

Today I decided in the car before when my mum was driving me around that I'm going to make a list of things to do before it hits 2010. I have the whole day/night to myself and I have no idea how I'm going to spend that time also.

10:31 PM

Something amazing is about to happen so I'm writing it down. I'm going to actually try and sleep at 10:31 PM. I haven't attempted this for months!

Snaps

My room about a month ago.


I'm yellow.

Waiting to buy tickets

I can already tell that today is going to be mighty fine ;]

What today told me

There is a big difference between people who care because they want, and people who care because they care.

& I've realized I'm through with people being so immature. I refuse to put up with that shit in my life when there are so many other amazing people out there who I could be spending time on. It's ridiculous and gutless and I'm not going to stay around for the show. Time is fucking precious.

I couldn't finish watching this

Made my day already

I LOVE it when you have a really crap version of a song like a demo, or bad quality, and then you download a better version :)

It's a new month, last month of the year indeed!

So with this year coming to an end in 30 days I've been doing some thinking. There is still so much left to do and discover before this year is over forever. In the next thirty days I'm going to work towards putting an end to most things, or creating a beginning with others that I've been saying I would for a while now. November '09 is thankfully gone, big learning experience, and now the final chapter of the year is waiting for me to write. I hope this story ends well. I promise to make it end well.

'You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.'

My favourite place in the world

My handwriting is messy

It's so hard to let go of something when you have all these uncontrollable memories shooting at you from all directions reminding you of how amazing things once were, forcing you to hold on... even if it is by a single thread.

Denial

When you're in denial, nothing that interferes or that can potentially interfere with your beliefs can phase you. You know that at the back of your mind you aren't believing the lie you continue to tell yourself every single morning but you refuse to turn those thoughts of yours into words because you know that the moment you say 'hey maybe I'm just kidding myself' is the moment where your walls come crashing down. Maybe you aren't strong enough to handle that disappointment, dare I say defeat. You choose to live in this facade that you have created because it is much more easier and appealing than the reality you have left behind. When you're in denial and you finally wake up from it, it hurts. Oh of course it hurts, reality has come so suddenly bearing gifts. You can choose to see those gifts as something positive so that you are complacent with your true reality, or you can choose to see the negative side of things where you refuse to let go of your idealistic reality that you can't live without at that moment.

So I saw New Moon the other night

& this is what I have to say for myself ;)



*

& I found out today, the stars will continue to show :)

Haight St.

“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.”

The rain won't wash away

You just proved me right- thank you.

Right now

I feel completely run down.
Physically, I can't even gather the strength to stand. Walking has become too much of an effort today to continue. My throat hurts and I'm finding it hard to fall back to sleep when I wake up coughing in the middle of the night. I'm feeling a non-existent heat and my head feels like an oven when I put my hand to it. It's aching. Maybe I have a fever? I don't know. I'm burning up and I'm burning down. I'm sweating in the cold weather which just doesn't make sense to me.
Emotionally, I am snappy. I am happy, I am sad. I smile and mean it, then lack the strength to repeat that gesture. Because I'm physically exhausted, I am now emotionally drained. I'm every feeling you could possibly imagine washing over you today. I am everywhere because my thoughts are like the pieces of a broken jigsaw puzzle just waiting to be put back into their correct place. I don't really feel any real feelings other than frustration because my emotions aren't really real today. I am beyond bored and I wish my restlessness would find a way to pass me by.

I don't like

what's inside of my phone.

Late night thoughts

I don't know specifically what I will be doing with my life in 10 years, I might not even be alive *touch wood*. What I do know is that I want to be doing something worthwhile and something that actually has meaning to it. I want to help, motivate or change people somehow, and I really think that one day after all this learning is done that I'll be at a stage in my life where I can do that. I want to wake up each day believing that I'm the best version of myself and that those who have passed would be proud of who I've become. Every single day I think of them, one person specifically, and that inspires me to live. You don't know when your time is up here and death itself isn't what scares me, it's just the thought of not achieving that I can't stand. I don't want to look back and think that I've wasted all these years. That's why this year I told myself I'd 'live in the moment' or whatever. I have experienced so much more with that thought at the back of my head but there's still been times where I haven't made the most of my opportunities. I guess we just need some time to be normal, neutral even. You can't really be inspired 24/7, after all without suffering and despair how can inspiration even exist? I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make an impact on people one way or another and if that doesn't work, at least I'll die trying to make a change.

Happiness

The happiness you receive from other people can come with a price, it's never certain. They choose when to give it out, or when to take it away. The happiness you receive from yourself is something that is guaranteed because you are in control of it. The ball is in your court.

Now I'm actually going to sleep. I hope I dream this time.

I couldn't have said it any better.

“If I think more about death than some other people, it is probably because I love life more than they do.”
- Angelina Jolie

Tired of trying to sleep

I hate the night. It used to inspire me. Now all it seems to do is keep me awake.

Go and see this movie

I highly recommend it. Just incredible.

I'm going to sleep

and for once I really hope I don't dream. It makes it that much harder waking up each morning.

In 9 hours

I will officially be on holidays for 3 and a half months and I am not going to waste any of that time dwelling on things that apparently haven't even mattered!!!!!!!!!

I think

I disappoint myself.

I just read the best quote

"One day you're going to want that specific girl back. That girl that knew she wasn't perfect, but tried to be for you. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you and love you the only way she knew she could. That girl who sees your flaws, but values them as much as your strengths. That girl who still can't bring herself to hate you, even though you probably deserve it. That girl who saw past your pretty face and treasured parts of you that no one else appreciated. That girl who realizes she may never have your heart again, but will carry the image of you in hers forever. And by the time you realize that's the girl you're looking for, she'll be with the person who already knew".

My truth, everyone's truth

This morning I woke up feeling gooooood :) As if I ever let anything ruin that, and as if a part of my happiness was ever partially controlled by someone other than myself.
Know who you are and own it, they will only hurt you if you let them and that's the truth.

Elle inspires me every day

'Live your life as though you mean it.'

everyone should be like chris

I can't stop blogging today

"Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives or if the moments in our lives make us?"

On the brightside

It's incredible how much you can learn from someone, especially when you've never even met or probably never will.

Two years late

Right now I can't stop listening to all the same by sick puppies. I'm about too years late but whatever. I fucking love this song :)

Anyway I really like these fine words. One day I'll make up my own and it will be with me forever.




&& last night was pretty fun :)

I just got home from bada bing and yes...I have been drinking. I'm not really drunk but still not completely myself. I'm thinking so much right now. What is the point of anything? I just don't understand. Why is life so deceiving? Why can't people be honest? I'm sick of being so honest :( No one returns the favour. It would fucking save me so much time. Geez. I don't understand anything right now. I feel a bit lonely, but I know that the alcohol is playing with my emotions. I would never feel like this sober. I wouldn't feel sorry for myself if I were sober. That's a waste of time, but right now I feel vulnerable...

Pyramid

I decided that today is going to be amazing, and it will be because I will make it amazing.

C

I'm not scared of death because I know that you will be there waiting for me just like you always were with that cheeky smile of yours. I just miss knowing that you are around me...

I just read something

and it struck a nerve. Look...

We don't say - I'm existing my life, we say I'm living my life. But most people are merely existing...

LIFE IS TOO FUCKING SHORT

!!

Where do you find inspiration?

I think I might write some of my story that's due soon. I have work in an hour but I feel like writing, and I hardly feel like writing these days. I guess it's because lately I haven't been so grounded but hey I've loved that. Lately has been fucking awesome. I guess I shouldn't necessarily like the fact that I feel like writing even though I feel inspired. When I feel this way, it's not always such a positive feeling. But that's reality for you right there. This is real. I have come down to earth today and I can't really say I'm content or complacent...I feel a bit lost. I feel a bit happy. I feel a bit neglected. I feel a bit thankful. I'm a whole lot of things right now but I am mostly stable and realistic. I know where I am right now but I kind of wish I was still ignorant and hopeful. Although I hate ignorance. There's still plenty of hope left but it isn't clouded by my ideals.

:)

I like doing this :)

I need to study

I have a test tomorrow, and I have done shit all. I have a story to write, and I have written one sentence. None of this seems to matter.

Yay

Today I've been listening to the same song on repeat :) I LOVE when a song has that type of effect on me.
Anyways, someone should buy me this green tea version of kitkat. I'll love you forever and ever if you do :)

Eyes wide open

I don't understand how you would do anything for people and that just apparently isn't a mutual agreement. It's just a disappointment, I don't know. I just don't know anything right now but I'm happy and I'm trying, and I can't stand it when that is left out of the equation. How am I supposed to take chances and live my life the way I want to if I am restricted? I just don't understand why all these small things have to matter. Nothing like that fucking matters. Also you can't have it both ways. You can't be my friend then suddenly decide to have a role change. I wish you could just see things through my eyes because you're the last person I want to be disappointed with.

:S

I feel so fucking sick.

Think about it

Last night I was up and awake in the middle of the night like I usually am and I thought of something. In song lyrics why is this always a specific well known cliche phrase? Something like 'my heart beats for you' or whatever. You could create a heap of different sentences with that same meaning, but I was just wondering why isn't it ever something like 'my brain sends electromagnetic energy out for you' or 'these neurotransmitters transmit messages around my body for you' hahaha. Those phrases are just plain stupid altogether.

I'm in such a blog posting mood today

I can't express my love for this guy, I swear he is inspiration walking, or sitting in this video :P

It's weird

Sometimes it makes me happy listening to really sad songs, or maybe the right word is content.

CINEMATIC SUNRISE LYRICS
"You Told Me You Loved Me"

You said you loved me
More than anyone else could ever know
But now you're leaving
Can't we just try to work this out
And I've never been one to beg

The nights get lonely
And all I have left is a memory of you
I tried to say this
But now there's nothing left for me to do
And I've never been one to beg

Please don't go, just stay
I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away
Miss your voice, and your touch
And if I told you I loved you could that be enough?

An awkward silence
It's been too long since I've heard from you
And I lay sleepless
Knowing that my heart still belongs to you
And I've never been one to beg

Please don't go, just stay
I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away
Miss your voice, and your touch
And if I told you I loved you could that be enough?

Please don't go, just stay
I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away
Miss your voice, and your touch
And if I told you I loved you could that be enough?

And tonight I'll stay home and miss you more than you'll ever know
And tonight I'll stay home and miss you more than you'll ever know
And tonight I'll stay home and miss you more than you'll ever know
And tonight I'll stay home and miss you more than you'll ever know

It's a new day

And what am I going to do with myself? I woke up today feeling really fresh and calm about everything. The one thing that I thought would bother me, doesn't right now. I actually feel like doing homework and cleaning my room. What the hell is wrong with me? I really like it though :) Usually when I feel like this, it's because of something that has happened, or someone who has changed my mood, but today it's all because of me...for the first time in a long time. Bring on the world today.

Last and least

Today is the last day of the week, I can't wait for it to be over :)

<333

I had THE MOST AMAZING noodles with Sara today :)



Much love to Sara for some great taste in food and a well needed d&m.

I swear this time I mean it

A time for some favourites.

Inspiration

Uplifting

My cousin is going to be one hell of an artist someday :P

Idiot

Maybe I'm not so foolish after all? Maybe I'm once again trying to find all these excuses to stop myself from being happy because I'm afraid of something...I don't know.

Ignorant

It's all in my fucking head, how could I be so foolish?

For the rest

I'm whistling these days, something is going right.

I love my sisters

Not much has changed all these years.

So bizarre

I woke up today, watched about 3 hours of TV and thought about how lame my day was. I then decided to change that...
I went outside and sat for a bit on the grass to clear my head, went upstairs and listened to some tunes, went downstairs and ironed some clothes, went to the laundry and hand washed some of my clothes, went outside and hung out my freshly washed clothes, made myself a delicious veggie pizza, sat down, wasted time for a few hours, got a text from a friend wanting to chill, went to McCafe and drove home. That is not how I had imagined my day to turn out. I love being productive :)

You know

Even cats can have bad angles :P My boy doesn't normally look like a ball of fluff but here you go :)



Take me here?

Slow Dance

I remember I found this poem a few years ago and thought it was amazing. I just found out now that it was written by a teenager suffering from cancer.

Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round? Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down..

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift.....Thrown away.

Life is not a race.Do take it slower

Hear the music Before the song is over.

Exactly what this year has been about, amazing

“May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have. As we value our happiness let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to be happy without the things we cannot or should not have.”
-Richard L. Evans

We sometimes quit even before we start

It strikes me as foolish when people voice certain beliefs and don't follow them up with actions. Maybe one day I'll tell you that I have dreams of joining the circus and never go through with it, or that I plan to touch the sky tomorrow morning with my two bare hands. Would you believe me just because I said it? Would you be disappointed in me because I never wholeheartedly meant it?

:) I will smile

I love how right now parts of my past have come back into my life and are existing cohesively. I don't like how parts of my present and future confuse me though.

Mayday Parade; you will be the death of me

Hello October

September ended with a perfect day. October started with some lovely first hours even if they aren't to repeat themselves, they still existed :)

Till death do us part

How beautiful.

This just came out of nowhere

Time is passing us by; still we can do nothing to slow it down. At the blink of an eye your life will flash right past you. You’ll close your eyes only to wake up to yourself thirty years later and you’ll ask yourself that one question that seems to sum up the entirety of your thoughts at that given moment.
‘Am I satisfied with this life that I am hopelessly bound to?’
Have you accomplished anything worth living for? Do you consider yourself a failure in life, or do you have something to show for yourself from all the time that you have spent on this godforsaken planet? Do you believe that you have been the best that you could have been? It’s really not hard to judge; you should know yourself by now after all these years. All those nights that you thought would never end that you spent unaccompanied in that same outdated apartment with nothing but a TV to talk to and a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels to hold you close. Are you a person people look up to, or is your name all that is known to the world?
Thirty years later do you feel like an old fucking bag when you look in the mirror, maybe that is exactly what you have restricted yourself to. Has anything even changed? Do you still refuse to surrender yourself to a life full of love and happiness? You are still afraid to let anyone in aren't you? Does time pass ever so slowly now that you have spent your days all by your lonesome? Does the smell of your solitude follow you and taunt you everywhere you go? Maybe it’s okay, you’ve lived a long life and hey some people don’t even make it past the age of twenty and here you are seventy-nine years of age still going strong. Your legs are still walking, you’ve proven many times before that you can stand on your own two feet each time you’ve ventured to the local liquor store, and even that heart of yours is still pumping. It may be pumping with the venom you relentlessly fill yourself up with but every single beat counts right? You should be proud. You’re alive, healthy and can still handle your alcohol. You deserve a pat on the back for that grand fucking life of yours. The same feelings continue to arise with each newspaper that is thrown onto your front lawn. You are a complete disappointment and you know it. Years will pass and you know that you won’t be able to put up with that so-called life of yours any longer.
You need love, you need a family but it’s too late. You take one more familiar sip out of that fresh whiskey bottle and drown yourself with delusions of the life that you never lived. Your regrets have caught up with you and there is no one to turn to now. I wonder what they would even write about you on your tombstone? ‘Here lay, the body of a lonely old lady that never gave anyone the chance to love her’. That sounds just about right to me.

Dreams

I had a dream last night about all these people from the past. I woke up today to notice for the millionth time that NONE of them lived up to who I thought they were. They only exist that way in dreams and sometimes, not all dreams can be real. Goodbye :)

Fiona Apple : Never Is A Promise

You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, but You don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you

You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie

What keeps me sane

No more

I'm promising myself to turn my back on the past as of this day, and I'm promising myself to no longer miss something that is never coming back.

It's done

I miss all of you, but I carry too much pride to tell you all that. Especially you.

Will you take the lift or the stairs?

Out of all this procrastination something good has just come to me. I had a really amazing realization. Okay well in April or something, I had this this tattoo idea come to me that I was really certain about. I thought to myself, like I had thought with my wrist tattoo, I'll leave it for a few months to see if I'm just as adamant about getting this tattoo, and still months later I was. So anyway, I straight away knew I'd be getting it on my right foot.
For the past few months I've been feeling on and off, as if this idea was not going to come into play because of the fact that my foot is a pretty obvious spot for a tattoo. Then I would also be thinking, well I don't want to work for people that don't accept me for who I am anyway. My thoughts kept shifting from these polar opposites. I have spoken to a few different people this past month though, really weighing up my options and thinking what should I do? I'm studying media, if I were to work in the industry of media, they probably wouldn't accept me. A lot of people kept saying to me, think about yourself in years to come. I guess they don't really understand where I'm coming from but whatever.
My mind has been continuously wandering from my philosophy essay and thinking about the most out of the blue topics all day and just before for some reason a certain person came to mind. Christian. He was my media lecturer last semester and I only now realized a few obvious things about him. He has two very distinct tattoos on both of his arms that are of decent size that he never intentionally hid. He has a degree in media. Put both of those two pieces together and the puzzle is now complete. That thought right there is enough for me to leave the rest of my doubts and uncertainties that people have flooded my head with in the past month behind, and do what I knew I wanted to do months ago. I can't fucking wait.

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I WISH I HAD SOMEONE PERMANENTLY NEXT TO ME READY TO SLAP ME IN THE FACE EACH TIME I DECIDE TO PROCRASTINATE.

Christofer Drew

You are definitely one in a million.

I don't know

I wish I knew where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing.
I'm tired of not knowing if what I'm doing is the right thing to be doing. I wish I knew my purpose...I wish I had more of a purpose. I don't want to die tomorrow without having made an impact. I don't want this life to be a wasted one. It's not that I want to be remembered, I just want my life to have been worth living in some one's eyes. Or in my eyes anyway. I want to achieve but lately I haven't known how to.

I wish I wasn't so independent at times.
I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't such a good thing. Maybe when I feel like depending on people, that will change though, but only when the right type of people or person comes along.

I wish I wasn't so sentimental all the time. It's just horrible the amount of places that to this day still have an affect on me if I walk past them or something. Then I think, fuck that, there are too many people in this world who are too closed from everything. They close themselves off from the people that really matter. How are we supposed to know you care if you don't show it? To this day I still have felt no love from some people in my life. I never want to be like them. I don't care if the moment I step foot out of my house, every single place has some sort of affect on me, or has some kind of memory attached to it. I'd rather overly acknowledge how I feel than block it all out, trying to make myself believe it doesn't exist. That is the one thing that I have done my whole life. No matter how bad the feeling, I always will feel it one way or another. If I suppress it, it comes back ten times worse but I'll still feel it. I never want to be numb, although sometimes I feel as if I am numb but then I realize that there's just nothing left to feel here.

I wish I wouldn't think as much.
Some days I just sit there staring at a blank wall for hours, no joke, thinking about god only know what. It really irritates me, especially when I actually DO have something better to be doing, but no, I get too caught up in my thoughts that are stupid and relentless.

I wish I would live in THIS moment more.
I'm always reminiscing about my past, planning for my future, worrying that I might run out of time to achieve the things that I want. I just need someone to slap me in the face each time I refer to anything that isn't apart of this current moment.

Favourite ever

The past is in my head

I can't help living in the past a lot of the time because the past has made me who I am at this very moment. How can I forget things or just push them aside when they once meant so much to me? They made such an impact on my life. How can I forget you all? The answer is I can't and I won't but the thing is that no matter what I do, something seems to always take me back and I'm confused as to whether that means I haven't completely moved on...or am I simply nostalgic?

I adore her!!!!!

Wow :0

Fuck.

I can't believe its already been a year...

Dirt

So many things are on the surface these days and I don't like it.

The only thing you can rely on is that you can't rely on anything

The weeks that have passed seem to have been acting out as one long day. It's almost as if these days have entwined with one another and I've been living out this continuous day, but then when I really think about it, I'm proven otherwise. I've changed so much this past month. Discretely and overtly. It fucking hit me over and over again. Nothing is ever coming back. The world as I once knew it and every little thing that was ever a part of it has gone because memories and time are continuously fleeting. I am getting stronger but things keep changing. There is no stable ground. There is no one consistent to lean on. There is nothing of certainty. I would call myself complacent. I am content with these imperfections in my life including myself because hey, that's real. This is my reality and I am in control of where I'm heading, or at least I hope so.

Oh Saturdays...

With it being Saturday tomorrow, I'm already missing the past three weeks. Definitely had some fun times :)

You know what today, you're not so bad after all

If you know me well enough then you'd know that I do not like public speaking. I don't mind doing it with other people but when I have to stand up in front of all these people alone...something comes over me.
Today was one of those days that I have been dreading. I had to do a presentation in front of my philosophy class. Anyway, I woke up at 8AM and made myself some green tea. Then got to uni at 11AM and bought some peppermint tea, went out for lunch at 2PM and finally drank down two cups of green tea. You might be wondering why all this tea? Well apparently tea is proven to calm you down and relieve stress, and although I'm a huge fan of tea, I normally wouldn't do that on a Thursday.
Before I knew it, I was standing up in front of all these people talking about the empiricist vs rationalist debate and I wasn't even as nervous or anxious as I had imagined myself to be. Of course my voice was still shaky at times and I lost track of what I was saying but that didn't last throughout my presentation and was by no means anywhere NEAR as bad as the presentation I had given last semester in media. I felt really accomplished afterward and I never would have thought that I actually would have enjoyed public speaking. Thank you tea!

*

On my way home I experienced some spontaneity from someone I have never met before on the train and it made me smile because finally someone did something impulsive :)

What I've been missing

When we randomly drove to Sorrento and realized it was like a ghost town so we spent the rest of the day chilling in Rye.


Fun beach tanning/swimming sessions.


Being out with the besties.


Definitely stands out as being one of the best nights.


One of the funnest/happiest nights even though it was just the two of us :)


SOUNDWAVE '09, amazing and everyone was there.


Bang with Melzajen.


:)


'Happy' nights where everything is remembered in flashbacks the next day.


Hotel partying with the best people in the world.


Subway with Mel at all hours of the night.


On that note, fucking thank you Al Gore. I'd hate to live a life without photos.

This clock it ticks, my mind it stings

I can't seem to get anything done these days. I have seem to become the biggest procrastinator. Some days I just sit there and think about things for hours. I try watch TV and I'm still thinking. I'm thinking about what I want to achieve and accomplish and that I want to go out there and do these things now before it's too late. I'm thinking about moments that have passed that are never to return and how I miss them. I'm contemplating whether I only miss them because they are gone and if I were to have them back would I even want them in my life? Stupid relentless questions and thoughts racing inside my mind. I can't concentrate on ANYTHING these days without my mind wandering. I feel insane. There is one thing that is keeping me grounded but I don't want to put much thought into it just yet, although I do need something to bring me into this very moment away from the past and the unknown.

There's not enough time to beat around the bush

You know what, no one is ever spontaneous these days. I don't hear about anyone doing anything out of impulse or go along with their gut feeling. No one says what they really feel. No one acts the way they really want to. It's so hard to conform to these standards when the words are coming out of my mouth before I have the time to even think about their consequence. The thing is though...I don't really care. Why doesn't anyone else just say EXACTLY what they feel? There's not enough time to beat around the bush and why are these words so hard to vocalise when they are the truth? What's there to be ashamed of there?

Exactly

Inspiration

This week I got my inspiration back, I hope it's here to stay :)

Are we all to you lost?

Keep your coins, I want change

Yesterday I was walking around the city and I came across this homeless man sitting up against the wall in the middle of the street, with a hat beside him containing some petty loose change given to him from strangers. I decided to walk by him and give him my change and as I was getting out my purse he asked me how my day was. I was shocked. I replied with a yeah not bad and smiled happily, then asked him how his day was going. He told me it was going alright and also seemed a little shocked but delighted by me asking him that very same question. What took me by surprise was that I was walking around on Bourke street like any other individual, who at the end of the day would have a house to go home to, while there was a man right beside me who had the complete opposite that actually cared enough to ask me how my day was going. It really put the past month of worrying about pointless crap that I can't change into perspective. Beside me sat a man who had nothing, brave enough to sincerely smile about the fact that he was still living. He was still surviving and that was all that mattered.

Yesterday I walked away from that man promising myself to never let money affect my happiness again. So what if I don't have my own car, big fucking deal. There are people who don't even have a bed to sleep on each night. Screw these pretentious things we are born to go after and work towards in our lives. I want to work towards people and changing things. I'm sick of the whole 'money makes the world go round' concept. It does make some things come to life but those things would amount to nothing without the people who have striven towards creating them.

If I was the front porch swing would you let me hang?

My runaway

I hate being sick or having a cold, obviously as the majority of us do. But what I really hate is not being able to sing in my car along to my music. Yesterday I purposely put a CD in that was unfamiliar to me because that way I knew I wouldn't be able to sing to the songs so my throat wouldn't get any worse, but the idiot that I am changed the CD on the way home. I was in need of some loud-music-sing-along therapy and so this morning I woke up with an even worse throat ache. I feel like shit physically worse than yesterday but mentally I feel awesome. So worth not being able to swallow.

You don't change like the wind

There are some things you just can't change to better suit your ideals. Usually I think, if you aren't happy with something you should work towards changing that so that you can be but I've realized that sometimes you just can't. Sometimes you aren't the one who is in control of that change and you can't necessarily change someone if they don't have it in them to be changed.

Maybe our relationship is too damaged to be fixed. Maybe I will never forgive you. Maybe I never tried hard enough. Maybe you should have put me first. Maybe I was never who you wanted me to be.

Mike Shea

This man inspires the shit out of me.



& I'm so in love with this song, Craig Owens has one of the most out of this world voices.

Chiodos - Smitten for the mitten

Just me and you,
With the world in our hands,
With the world in our hands.
(So say what you want)

I'm really not who you think I am,
I keep the ones that make me sane,
So stop telling me I'm not who you thought I would be

And I'm so much better now that I'm far from you,
This passion drowns our need for love

Don't you ask me any questions.
(Just come on and follow me)
Through the wires and ocean bottoms,
Through the skies and empty rooms.
(From the pit of my stomach)
Coming out through my throat,
Regret and failure,
The need to keep you coming back for more.

And I'm so much better now that I'm far from you,
This passion drowns our need for love.
No, we can't stop even if we wanted to,
This passion drowns our need for love.

And this is all still so new to me,
Our eyes have lost their color.
And now I'm trying, I'm trying to keep my balance.
But there is nothing, there's nothing to keep me steady.
And I'll hold myself up.

And I'm so much better now that I'm far from you,
This passion drowns our need for love.
No, we can't stop even if we wanted to,
This passion drowns our need for love.
I'm so much better now that I'm far from you,
This passion drowns our need for love.
No, we can't stop even if we wanted to,
This passion drowns our need for love.

Take a photo, it lasts longer

I thought of something bizarre last night when I was going through old photos. Photos show you how much you've changed...not because of how different you look in them or who you are standing next to, but because of how you feel when you are looking at them. The feeling you got from looking at a photo the day after it was taken in comparison to the feeling you get when you look at that same photo months later can really show you how much you have changed, or how far away you are from that state of mind. It's amazing! I'm starting to really like this whole no connections to a photo thing.

Hello world

This is the first thing I see each morning and I'm finding it more and more beautiful with each day that passes.

Back where I started from

I deleted my last two blogs because I felt like I was wasting all this time filling them up with shit that was dull and relentless. Hopefully I won't bore myself this time.