How beautiful.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
This just came out of nowhere
Time is passing us by; still we can do nothing to slow it down. At the blink of an eye your life will flash right past you. You’ll close your eyes only to wake up to yourself thirty years later and you’ll ask yourself that one question that seems to sum up the entirety of your thoughts at that given moment.
‘Am I satisfied with this life that I am hopelessly bound to?’
Have you accomplished anything worth living for? Do you consider yourself a failure in life, or do you have something to show for yourself from all the time that you have spent on this godforsaken planet? Do you believe that you have been the best that you could have been? It’s really not hard to judge; you should know yourself by now after all these years. All those nights that you thought would never end that you spent unaccompanied in that same outdated apartment with nothing but a TV to talk to and a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels to hold you close. Are you a person people look up to, or is your name all that is known to the world?
Thirty years later do you feel like an old fucking bag when you look in the mirror, maybe that is exactly what you have restricted yourself to. Has anything even changed? Do you still refuse to surrender yourself to a life full of love and happiness? You are still afraid to let anyone in aren't you? Does time pass ever so slowly now that you have spent your days all by your lonesome? Does the smell of your solitude follow you and taunt you everywhere you go? Maybe it’s okay, you’ve lived a long life and hey some people don’t even make it past the age of twenty and here you are seventy-nine years of age still going strong. Your legs are still walking, you’ve proven many times before that you can stand on your own two feet each time you’ve ventured to the local liquor store, and even that heart of yours is still pumping. It may be pumping with the venom you relentlessly fill yourself up with but every single beat counts right? You should be proud. You’re alive, healthy and can still handle your alcohol. You deserve a pat on the back for that grand fucking life of yours. The same feelings continue to arise with each newspaper that is thrown onto your front lawn. You are a complete disappointment and you know it. Years will pass and you know that you won’t be able to put up with that so-called life of yours any longer.
You need love, you need a family but it’s too late. You take one more familiar sip out of that fresh whiskey bottle and drown yourself with delusions of the life that you never lived. Your regrets have caught up with you and there is no one to turn to now. I wonder what they would even write about you on your tombstone? ‘Here lay, the body of a lonely old lady that never gave anyone the chance to love her’. That sounds just about right to me.
‘Am I satisfied with this life that I am hopelessly bound to?’
Have you accomplished anything worth living for? Do you consider yourself a failure in life, or do you have something to show for yourself from all the time that you have spent on this godforsaken planet? Do you believe that you have been the best that you could have been? It’s really not hard to judge; you should know yourself by now after all these years. All those nights that you thought would never end that you spent unaccompanied in that same outdated apartment with nothing but a TV to talk to and a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels to hold you close. Are you a person people look up to, or is your name all that is known to the world?
Thirty years later do you feel like an old fucking bag when you look in the mirror, maybe that is exactly what you have restricted yourself to. Has anything even changed? Do you still refuse to surrender yourself to a life full of love and happiness? You are still afraid to let anyone in aren't you? Does time pass ever so slowly now that you have spent your days all by your lonesome? Does the smell of your solitude follow you and taunt you everywhere you go? Maybe it’s okay, you’ve lived a long life and hey some people don’t even make it past the age of twenty and here you are seventy-nine years of age still going strong. Your legs are still walking, you’ve proven many times before that you can stand on your own two feet each time you’ve ventured to the local liquor store, and even that heart of yours is still pumping. It may be pumping with the venom you relentlessly fill yourself up with but every single beat counts right? You should be proud. You’re alive, healthy and can still handle your alcohol. You deserve a pat on the back for that grand fucking life of yours. The same feelings continue to arise with each newspaper that is thrown onto your front lawn. You are a complete disappointment and you know it. Years will pass and you know that you won’t be able to put up with that so-called life of yours any longer.
You need love, you need a family but it’s too late. You take one more familiar sip out of that fresh whiskey bottle and drown yourself with delusions of the life that you never lived. Your regrets have caught up with you and there is no one to turn to now. I wonder what they would even write about you on your tombstone? ‘Here lay, the body of a lonely old lady that never gave anyone the chance to love her’. That sounds just about right to me.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Dreams
I had a dream last night about all these people from the past. I woke up today to notice for the millionth time that NONE of them lived up to who I thought they were. They only exist that way in dreams and sometimes, not all dreams can be real. Goodbye :)
Fiona Apple : Never Is A Promise
You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
You'll say you understand, but You don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie
You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you
You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie
You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you
You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
You'll say you understand, but You don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie
You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you
You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie
You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you
You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie
Saturday, September 26, 2009
No more
I'm promising myself to turn my back on the past as of this day, and I'm promising myself to no longer miss something that is never coming back.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Will you take the lift or the stairs?
Out of all this procrastination something good has just come to me. I had a really amazing realization. Okay well in April or something, I had this this tattoo idea come to me that I was really certain about. I thought to myself, like I had thought with my wrist tattoo, I'll leave it for a few months to see if I'm just as adamant about getting this tattoo, and still months later I was. So anyway, I straight away knew I'd be getting it on my right foot.
For the past few months I've been feeling on and off, as if this idea was not going to come into play because of the fact that my foot is a pretty obvious spot for a tattoo. Then I would also be thinking, well I don't want to work for people that don't accept me for who I am anyway. My thoughts kept shifting from these polar opposites. I have spoken to a few different people this past month though, really weighing up my options and thinking what should I do? I'm studying media, if I were to work in the industry of media, they probably wouldn't accept me. A lot of people kept saying to me, think about yourself in years to come. I guess they don't really understand where I'm coming from but whatever.
My mind has been continuously wandering from my philosophy essay and thinking about the most out of the blue topics all day and just before for some reason a certain person came to mind. Christian. He was my media lecturer last semester and I only now realized a few obvious things about him. He has two very distinct tattoos on both of his arms that are of decent size that he never intentionally hid. He has a degree in media. Put both of those two pieces together and the puzzle is now complete. That thought right there is enough for me to leave the rest of my doubts and uncertainties that people have flooded my head with in the past month behind, and do what I knew I wanted to do months ago. I can't fucking wait.
For the past few months I've been feeling on and off, as if this idea was not going to come into play because of the fact that my foot is a pretty obvious spot for a tattoo. Then I would also be thinking, well I don't want to work for people that don't accept me for who I am anyway. My thoughts kept shifting from these polar opposites. I have spoken to a few different people this past month though, really weighing up my options and thinking what should I do? I'm studying media, if I were to work in the industry of media, they probably wouldn't accept me. A lot of people kept saying to me, think about yourself in years to come. I guess they don't really understand where I'm coming from but whatever.
My mind has been continuously wandering from my philosophy essay and thinking about the most out of the blue topics all day and just before for some reason a certain person came to mind. Christian. He was my media lecturer last semester and I only now realized a few obvious things about him. He has two very distinct tattoos on both of his arms that are of decent size that he never intentionally hid. He has a degree in media. Put both of those two pieces together and the puzzle is now complete. That thought right there is enough for me to leave the rest of my doubts and uncertainties that people have flooded my head with in the past month behind, and do what I knew I wanted to do months ago. I can't fucking wait.
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I WISH I HAD SOMEONE PERMANENTLY NEXT TO ME READY TO SLAP ME IN THE FACE EACH TIME I DECIDE TO PROCRASTINATE.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I don't know
I wish I knew where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing.
I'm tired of not knowing if what I'm doing is the right thing to be doing. I wish I knew my purpose...I wish I had more of a purpose. I don't want to die tomorrow without having made an impact. I don't want this life to be a wasted one. It's not that I want to be remembered, I just want my life to have been worth living in some one's eyes. Or in my eyes anyway. I want to achieve but lately I haven't known how to.
I wish I wasn't so independent at times.
I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't such a good thing. Maybe when I feel like depending on people, that will change though, but only when the right type of people or person comes along.
I wish I wasn't so sentimental all the time. It's just horrible the amount of places that to this day still have an affect on me if I walk past them or something. Then I think, fuck that, there are too many people in this world who are too closed from everything. They close themselves off from the people that really matter. How are we supposed to know you care if you don't show it? To this day I still have felt no love from some people in my life. I never want to be like them. I don't care if the moment I step foot out of my house, every single place has some sort of affect on me, or has some kind of memory attached to it. I'd rather overly acknowledge how I feel than block it all out, trying to make myself believe it doesn't exist. That is the one thing that I have done my whole life. No matter how bad the feeling, I always will feel it one way or another. If I suppress it, it comes back ten times worse but I'll still feel it. I never want to be numb, although sometimes I feel as if I am numb but then I realize that there's just nothing left to feel here.
I wish I wouldn't think as much.
Some days I just sit there staring at a blank wall for hours, no joke, thinking about god only know what. It really irritates me, especially when I actually DO have something better to be doing, but no, I get too caught up in my thoughts that are stupid and relentless.
I wish I would live in THIS moment more.
I'm always reminiscing about my past, planning for my future, worrying that I might run out of time to achieve the things that I want. I just need someone to slap me in the face each time I refer to anything that isn't apart of this current moment.
I'm tired of not knowing if what I'm doing is the right thing to be doing. I wish I knew my purpose...I wish I had more of a purpose. I don't want to die tomorrow without having made an impact. I don't want this life to be a wasted one. It's not that I want to be remembered, I just want my life to have been worth living in some one's eyes. Or in my eyes anyway. I want to achieve but lately I haven't known how to.
I wish I wasn't so independent at times.
I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't such a good thing. Maybe when I feel like depending on people, that will change though, but only when the right type of people or person comes along.
I wish I wasn't so sentimental all the time. It's just horrible the amount of places that to this day still have an affect on me if I walk past them or something. Then I think, fuck that, there are too many people in this world who are too closed from everything. They close themselves off from the people that really matter. How are we supposed to know you care if you don't show it? To this day I still have felt no love from some people in my life. I never want to be like them. I don't care if the moment I step foot out of my house, every single place has some sort of affect on me, or has some kind of memory attached to it. I'd rather overly acknowledge how I feel than block it all out, trying to make myself believe it doesn't exist. That is the one thing that I have done my whole life. No matter how bad the feeling, I always will feel it one way or another. If I suppress it, it comes back ten times worse but I'll still feel it. I never want to be numb, although sometimes I feel as if I am numb but then I realize that there's just nothing left to feel here.
I wish I wouldn't think as much.
Some days I just sit there staring at a blank wall for hours, no joke, thinking about god only know what. It really irritates me, especially when I actually DO have something better to be doing, but no, I get too caught up in my thoughts that are stupid and relentless.
I wish I would live in THIS moment more.
I'm always reminiscing about my past, planning for my future, worrying that I might run out of time to achieve the things that I want. I just need someone to slap me in the face each time I refer to anything that isn't apart of this current moment.
The past is in my head
I can't help living in the past a lot of the time because the past has made me who I am at this very moment. How can I forget things or just push them aside when they once meant so much to me? They made such an impact on my life. How can I forget you all? The answer is I can't and I won't but the thing is that no matter what I do, something seems to always take me back and I'm confused as to whether that means I haven't completely moved on...or am I simply nostalgic?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
The only thing you can rely on is that you can't rely on anything
The weeks that have passed seem to have been acting out as one long day. It's almost as if these days have entwined with one another and I've been living out this continuous day, but then when I really think about it, I'm proven otherwise. I've changed so much this past month. Discretely and overtly. It fucking hit me over and over again. Nothing is ever coming back. The world as I once knew it and every little thing that was ever a part of it has gone because memories and time are continuously fleeting. I am getting stronger but things keep changing. There is no stable ground. There is no one consistent to lean on. There is nothing of certainty. I would call myself complacent. I am content with these imperfections in my life including myself because hey, that's real. This is my reality and I am in control of where I'm heading, or at least I hope so.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Oh Saturdays...
With it being Saturday tomorrow, I'm already missing the past three weeks. Definitely had some fun times :)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
You know what today, you're not so bad after all
If you know me well enough then you'd know that I do not like public speaking. I don't mind doing it with other people but when I have to stand up in front of all these people alone...something comes over me.
Today was one of those days that I have been dreading. I had to do a presentation in front of my philosophy class. Anyway, I woke up at 8AM and made myself some green tea. Then got to uni at 11AM and bought some peppermint tea, went out for lunch at 2PM and finally drank down two cups of green tea. You might be wondering why all this tea? Well apparently tea is proven to calm you down and relieve stress, and although I'm a huge fan of tea, I normally wouldn't do that on a Thursday.
Before I knew it, I was standing up in front of all these people talking about the empiricist vs rationalist debate and I wasn't even as nervous or anxious as I had imagined myself to be. Of course my voice was still shaky at times and I lost track of what I was saying but that didn't last throughout my presentation and was by no means anywhere NEAR as bad as the presentation I had given last semester in media. I felt really accomplished afterward and I never would have thought that I actually would have enjoyed public speaking. Thank you tea!
*
On my way home I experienced some spontaneity from someone I have never met before on the train and it made me smile because finally someone did something impulsive :)
Today was one of those days that I have been dreading. I had to do a presentation in front of my philosophy class. Anyway, I woke up at 8AM and made myself some green tea. Then got to uni at 11AM and bought some peppermint tea, went out for lunch at 2PM and finally drank down two cups of green tea. You might be wondering why all this tea? Well apparently tea is proven to calm you down and relieve stress, and although I'm a huge fan of tea, I normally wouldn't do that on a Thursday.
Before I knew it, I was standing up in front of all these people talking about the empiricist vs rationalist debate and I wasn't even as nervous or anxious as I had imagined myself to be. Of course my voice was still shaky at times and I lost track of what I was saying but that didn't last throughout my presentation and was by no means anywhere NEAR as bad as the presentation I had given last semester in media. I felt really accomplished afterward and I never would have thought that I actually would have enjoyed public speaking. Thank you tea!
*
On my way home I experienced some spontaneity from someone I have never met before on the train and it made me smile because finally someone did something impulsive :)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
What I've been missing
When we randomly drove to Sorrento and realized it was like a ghost town so we spent the rest of the day chilling in Rye.
Fun beach tanning/swimming sessions.
Being out with the besties.
Definitely stands out as being one of the best nights.
One of the funnest/happiest nights even though it was just the two of us :)
SOUNDWAVE '09, amazing and everyone was there.
Bang with Melzajen.
:)
'Happy' nights where everything is remembered in flashbacks the next day.
Hotel partying with the best people in the world.
Subway with Mel at all hours of the night.
On that note, fucking thank you Al Gore. I'd hate to live a life without photos.
Fun beach tanning/swimming sessions.
Being out with the besties.
Definitely stands out as being one of the best nights.
One of the funnest/happiest nights even though it was just the two of us :)
SOUNDWAVE '09, amazing and everyone was there.
Bang with Melzajen.
:)
'Happy' nights where everything is remembered in flashbacks the next day.
Hotel partying with the best people in the world.
Subway with Mel at all hours of the night.
On that note, fucking thank you Al Gore. I'd hate to live a life without photos.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
This clock it ticks, my mind it stings
I can't seem to get anything done these days. I have seem to become the biggest procrastinator. Some days I just sit there and think about things for hours. I try watch TV and I'm still thinking. I'm thinking about what I want to achieve and accomplish and that I want to go out there and do these things now before it's too late. I'm thinking about moments that have passed that are never to return and how I miss them. I'm contemplating whether I only miss them because they are gone and if I were to have them back would I even want them in my life? Stupid relentless questions and thoughts racing inside my mind. I can't concentrate on ANYTHING these days without my mind wandering. I feel insane. There is one thing that is keeping me grounded but I don't want to put much thought into it just yet, although I do need something to bring me into this very moment away from the past and the unknown.
Friday, September 4, 2009
There's not enough time to beat around the bush
You know what, no one is ever spontaneous these days. I don't hear about anyone doing anything out of impulse or go along with their gut feeling. No one says what they really feel. No one acts the way they really want to. It's so hard to conform to these standards when the words are coming out of my mouth before I have the time to even think about their consequence. The thing is though...I don't really care. Why doesn't anyone else just say EXACTLY what they feel? There's not enough time to beat around the bush and why are these words so hard to vocalise when they are the truth? What's there to be ashamed of there?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
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